Saturday, June 28, 2014

Mourning the Death of my Wedding - Year 4

Today marks four years since the last time we celebrated our Anniversary. On the last day of our anniversary, my husband was emailing his girlfriend about how he didn't have much service where we were, so he wouldn't be able to email as much. We had gone to some island, watched the boats pass by with drinks, and had a dinner. We had left our kids with his grandmother... It was nice, except his thoughts on our anniversary weren't with me, they were with his girlfriend. My husband had a girlfriend. This is why we no longer celebrate our anniversary.

I'm crying as I write this because it's not fair to me. I should be able to celebrate this day. Be happy that we have been married for 11 years. I can't doesn't seem right. 11 years ago this day, he made a promise that he would not be unfaithful. We exchanged rings. Seven years later he was taking that ring off, so he could be unfaithful. He lied on that day... on this day 11 years ago.

I hate him for this....I really do. Of course, I could be thankful that I'm not divorced. I have my family here with me. I'm just so sad that I've lost that magic of our wedding day. I can't look at it as a special day of my life. I look at it as the day that turned into a lie, and it wasn't even my fault. I didn't do anything to deserve it.

I'll never be completely over the affair. It's four years later, and here I am crying in front of my computer like I did four years ago. It sucks...

I haven't said anything to my husband about this because he doesn't understand. He cheated and I suffer. That's been the common theme through this whole ordeal. I'm the one who has the issues. He just moves on as if he never did anything. What he gets sad about is that when his grandfather was dying, he didn't spend more time with him because he was gallivanting around with his slut. Does he get upset about the devastation I've been put through? No.

I went grocery shopping this evening. That's how I spent my Saturday night. He's watching the UFC fight. He's sensitive to me like that. Even though we don't celebrate it, he could have at least said, "Hey let's watch TV together tonight." He could have said something other than, "What are you doing for dinner tonight?" That was the last of it. I just said, "Well, I'm going grocery I guess you'll figure something out."

I guess I'll go wash my face and go to bed now. I just want this to end. The pain and sadness is just too much. No one understands....No one cares...No one knows. It's my personal struggle now. It's just me. It's lonely. It sucks.

I'll make it through though. This is part of my life. This is what has happened to me. I am better than what has happened to me. I may not be able to look back at my wedding and love it. I may not be able to say, "YAY my husband and I have been married for 11 years." I may never wear a wedding ring again. There's one thing I know I will do though...I will be okay. I've made it this far...


  1. Sending you hugs. You will make it through this. It definitely changed your life forever but try not to let it define your life. Wishing you the best !!

  2. From now on you celebrate your anniversary WITHOUT the cheater! He didn't honor his vows, so he has nothing to celebrate. Think really hard about what you'd like for him to do for you, to show how sorry he is, and YOU do it for yourself. Be selfish, and don't give a damn how he feels about it! If he can show YOU he deserves recognition on that day, THEN include him. Until then, it's not his anniversary, it's yours!

  3. You may be on to something here. You know, I may just start buying myself a gift on the anniversary. You know, because I am doing what I said I would do on that day. I promised to always be married to him and faithful, no matter what. I've kept my vows, so I should reward myself for that. Yay! Good idea. And thank you also to the previous commenter. I appreciate it. Your are SOOOO right too. It does not define my life. What I do defines my life, not what he does... !!!!! ;-)

  4. I understand how you feel, I went through the same thing. My marriage is never the same again, I don't feel anything for my husband anymore. Many days I hate him so much and there have been days I wished he would die. The pain is getting less as days go by but the triggers always bring everything back to memory. I feel like I will never have that bond I had with him again, I lost that person I loved.

  5. Hai there...i'm a new person in this club i guess..i found out 5 mts ago my hubby had/has whichever, 3 years long affair also to 20ies something girl, while im at 32, also in our 7 years of marriage. so, i feel like i am you @infidelity rage in a way. While you have 2 beautiful little angels, im also strugling with infertility issue (poor me...nothing goes right un my marriage hahahahaha).
    i agree with prev commenters, this year on my wed aniv, i will celebrate ME! Rewarding my faithfullness to my vow, my purity and my patience going thru all of this pain..cheers..

  6. Seriously, your advice is to celebrate your anniversary every year without him. Umm. Get counseling.
    Get over it. 50% of all Marriages end in divorce. Its a normal consequence.
    Your spouse cheated because there is\was something wrong with your marriage.
    Your situation isn't unique. I was just looking to see if they released names from Ashley Madison when i found this poor blog. What 37 Million subscribers are with A & M.
    My Ex felt the same way you do and tried Alienating my children from me as pay back. 5 Years later she is still upset over it.
    I remarried and my children figured out she is crazy. My children were in my wedding party and when they returned to their mother, she took a pair of scissors to their dresses.
    You want to stay unhappy for the rest of your life by all means make this betrayal apart of every breathing moment. Maybe blog about it for another decade as others send you wishes of strength. Or move on with your life and find happiness in something that works for you rather than sadness for something that didn't.

  7. To the poster above,
    I sense you have a lot of anger in you towards the ex wife. Placing that anger on other people is not right. You may want to take a step back and try to do something about it. It's not healthy. I would also like to tell you that my marriage is fine now. Really... We don't celebrate the anniversary, but we are still together on that day. It's a painful reminder of what happened, but my husband is awesome about it. He's supportive and he understands the pain. I'm not a mean person and never took revenge on my husband for what he did. My concern for you is that you are still reading posts like these... that means something. I'm sorry that it does and that even after getting married again, you are still affected by your last marriage. By the way, not divorcing my husband was the best decision I ever made. We are unlike all of the others... We care about our family and don't believe heading out to start a new family is the answer. We have kids living in our neighborhood now who come from broken homes and they are affected greatly by their parents decisions. They like to come to our house and I believe it's because they see how simple we are with one mom, one dad, and two kids from that one mom and one dad. I hope you get some help for everything you've been through - I did and it was great for me. Good luck to you!


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