Monday, June 10, 2013

Broke Down after 3 Years? Ugh.

Well, we went to the pool yesterday and that slut look a like was there again, of course. I just can't deal with it. 


When we left the pool. I was getting changed and my stupid husband asks to get it on. I said, "Oh hell no. This isn't going to be some sick habit of getting it on after seeing that chick at the pool." He got all offended, and first said "She doesn't really look like her" but then thought about it and said "okay yeah she does..." I tried to explain the pain I had inside of me and instead, ended up in the closet in fetal position crying. The cries come from deep down inside of me. I mean these are cries that come from my core.

My stupid cheater husband basically shuts down now whenever I bring up the affair. He said sorry that I was upset and walked away. He came back to TRY to console me but when I started wailing WHY and HOW he could have hurt me so much, he walked away from me. Yes, you are thinking the same thing I am... What an ass.

My kids were of course concerned about me. They wanted to know why their mom went from seemingly being okay to sobbing like a baby on the floor. Very unmotherly like....

My precious daughter who is 7 put her arms around me and I swear she was like an angel placing a hand on me. Almost immediately I felt as though the pain eased. I thanked her... And we hugged... She felt good and I felt better. My baby girl... 

The pain runs deep. My stupid husband talks about having another baby and if it wasn't for the affair, we probably would have done it. I just can't do that now. 

It's such a shame how the person who does the damage doesn't feel the damage as much as the person affected by it. It's unfair. 

I don't think I'll ever be over the pain. It's changed me. Our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up and I dread that day. I hate that day. I can't stand how he took that special day away from me. He's made me believe what my mom had said to me for years about how not to get married and that all men are the same. I now tell my daughter not to get married. Of course, I tell her it's her decision someday and I will be with her no matter what, but that is what I believe now and if she wants to follow that advise that will be her decision 

I know many of you are probably like "Oh don't tell her that." But if you were betrayed, you know that marriage is a sham. Vows mean nothing anymore, and no one ever respects their spouse as they should. People who remain married for 50 years are like me who gets slapped in the face and turns the other cheek. Doesn't seem awesome or how marriage should be...

Well, I guess that's all I wanted to write now. The pain.... 3 long years andthe scab  was scratched off and I'm bleeding again. 

5 comments:

  1. Every word you say is true. I tell my children 17,18, and 19, not to get married. It's a joke. The only one married was me. He put a big ring on my finger so men would keep their hands off and it worked while he cheated for 20 years. I never knew. He was always a wonderful husband with an alcohol and sexual addiction problem that he failed to disclose to me prior to marriage. My advise to you is DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT HAVING ANOTHER CHILD. He thinks it's going to make you busy and forget; but that won't happen. Stay away from the pool or ask the lady when she will be there and go when she is not there. Don't forget it's not really her. There is an outside chance that she will understand. As for him, he is lucky to have you. Another thing, I posted as many of the girls that I had pictures of on cheaterville. You can look them up. I hope you enjoy what I wrote about them. 1. Shanei Schneider 2. Shatonya Watson 3. Sonya Nocera (yes that is a woman) and 4. The girl who put gasoline on his fire and started the whole thing, Marianne Burks. Even if you google their names it will come up. You may think I'm evil, but they should have thought about that before they F@#$ed a married man. And BTW: he went for black girls because he said they were easy. Isn't that lovely? I also sent each one of them AND THEIR FAMILIES a "Homewrecker of the Year" card. I will be happy to send you one if you would like it. Best wishes to you. Keep the reports coming. My D-day was 3/27/11 so you are farther along than I am. I am out here listening. Best wishes

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  2. I'm so sorry you're still in such pain. You have my deepest sympathy.

    I'm 2 1/2 years from discovery and can have knee-buckling triggers. My husband is similar to yours. He just wants to move on. He has never wavered in his commitment to reconciling but I think about leaving every day. I agree that they will never know this kind of pain. Someone capable of inflicting such pain is incapable of feeling it.

    We just had our wedding anniversary (32 years) and I know now that marriage is meaningless. I just can't celebrate the anniversary of the worst decision of my life and the biggest lie he ever spoke. It's a sham. All I can do is try to appreciate this new marriage with a husband who is functioning as a partner more than he ever did.

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  3. EXACTLY. That's exactly how I feel. - Infidelity Rage

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  4. I feel that this man has destroyed my life. I feel as if I have a wall in front of me because I can't leave the marriage but living with him is a bad thing. I have rage! I want him to hold me and tell me that he loves me, but I also want him to suffer, to burn! I have nothing to my name and I'm over 50. Where I live, the crisis has hit it very hard, so there are no jobs. If I leave I'll have to tell my kids everything and I'll brake their hearts. I don't trust him. I hate him. I live for the day I see him suffer. I envy women who have faithful husbands, who are partners, who love each other and support each other. People whose soul is at peace. I cry all the time, I hurt. Liar, liar, liar! I'm writing here because there are people who can feel what I feel and can understand me. I feel so alone...

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  5. Oh I feel for all of you. :( my d day was almost 4 years ago. I still hurt. I avoid things that trigger memories but that includes a lot of things unfortunately. I stayed with him mostly for our kid and for his sanity. But sometimes I want to leave so that I can get a do over and not have live with a thorn hurting me with bad memories daily.

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