Friday, May 4, 2012

Cheater Husband Gets Baptized

I'm so horrible aren't I? My husband gets baptized, which is supposed to wipe all sin and I can't help but call him a cheater. Once a cheater always a cheater...at least to me I guess.

When my husband got baptized I felt as though he did an awesome thing and I was going to be able to completely forgive and forget. And now I am not anywhere close again.... Ugh infidelity sure does suck.

See when he was baptized the priest started asking for our marriage certificate and my baptismal certificate so we could go ahead with having our marriage blessed in the Catholic church. I am not okay with this...

It's essentially a renewing of the vows and I am not ready for that and I'm not sure if I will ever be ready for it. I don't want to profess my faith to him because I don't think he deserves that. I gave him that once before and he completely screwed it up. I don't want him to make me any promises either because again, he screwed that up.

Honestly, I am okay with how things are right now and I don't want to do anything that might change that, including making some sort of commitment to each other. Heck no.

So anyway, my husband since his baptism has been all holy and is hanging on to believing that now she is erased of his sins. See, I don't know. I feel like he did this because it was like a get out of jail free card. Like if he devotes himself to God then he wont be guilty anymore...

I know my husband deep down inside is a good man but I don't think what he did will ever be erased. I don't believe when someone does something bad that it should ever be erased. I mean he didn't just make some trivial mistake, he .....I don't even know what you call it but it's certainly not just a mistake. Confessing your sins away just doesn't seem right....you should want to follow God because he is awesome not because he is relieving you of a sin.

See even though this was all about him...or it should have been....it's affected me a great deal. I now run from the priest because I don't want to face the fact that I can't forgive him because I know that's a sin but it's one I am holding on to.

Then there's the whole belief in baptism and confession that makes me question my faith because if I don't believe he .relieved of all sin then I dont believe in what he did...what kind of Catholic am I?

It makes me sad...my faith has always been something important to me...it's carried me through the affair and throughout my entire life. When I have felt the lonlinest, my faith was there to comfort.

Now my faith is being tested I guess....of course it has to do with the same man that made me question a lot of other things in my life...

I think I really need to just hold on....I need to weather my storm and get back to my faith....my own faith...the one I have always fell into when life just didn't fleel right.

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