Friday, May 4, 2012

2 Year Anniversary of the Affair and the Visions are Back

The other day I was having a lot of visions about the affair. I would picture her and him smiling and laughing and having a great ol time together. The visions were so real that I started having a hard time concentrating on what I needed to do for work.

All of a sudden I realized that this was the time my husband came home off his ship and I discovered the text messages and phone calls to his slut. This was the time two years ago that I started to find out bit by bit he was having an afffair.

Two years later and that time still affects me so much. I can definitely say that I am better than I was a year ago but not completely healed. I don't believe I will ever be healed.

I told my husband and he immediately was uptight. I can tell these things...he wasn't a jerk about it but I could tell he was bracing himself for the attack that he thought was coming.

I didn't attack that time but a couple days later he asked me to go for a run with him and I immediately thought about how he went for a run with her in a beautiful park the day that I caught them at the hotel. The vision of them running, smiling, stopping to kiss and then taking a shower together afterwards just threw me off. He didn't not react well and started saying he didn't do anything....yeah not that minute but he sure as hell did a whole lot two years ago.

Sigh...

I am so damaged it's ridiculous....

2 comments:

  1. I just discovered your blog and I know you aren't that far out though 2 years feels like a long time when its been a prison sentence. I had such a hard time with the damage I saw in myself and with the forgiveness part. I think I had never had a time where I found forgiveness outside of my reach and capacity. I do believe in god though I'm not catholic. But I wanted to say this and it was hard for me to accept. I gave myself permission not to forgive. (I have to say I did not reconcile though) but I think more to the point trying to forgive was delaying my healing.. which quite honestly was the most important thing. Not the relationship and not forgiveness.. my healing was and had to be primary because there was nothing without a Me. The rage had to be gone through first.. and during that time I accepted that I may only ever get to acceptance and not full forgiveness. I also prayed that God forgive her and forgive me for not being able to. (though I add she never really asked for forgiveness) I do understand forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. I'm not bitter, and I don't think of it as often as I used to. At 6 years out I feel relatively normal compared to 2 - 4 years out.

    I still encounter triggers occasionally but really rarely. And while I can't say there is anything positive to have gotten out of it I do know that now in relationships I don't take on anyone's stuff anymore. Someone else's choice to have an affair is about as much your responsibility as it is if your SO went out and shot up drugs in response to their marital woes. & Don't listen to other people if they haven't walked it they just don't know.

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  2. Today is the three year anniversary of discovery for me. I just want to hide out in a hotel room and avoid him and my daughter for the day. A day to allow myself to mourn and rage. I guess three years is still not enough time to heal fire me. Sometimes I wish I left or he left the years ago.

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