Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Natural Progression of Marriage after the Affair

Well, tonight I saw the next stage of what we will be working on in the marriage. My husband's uninvolvement in the children. The kids have been pretty mean to my husband lately. He picked up our daughter from school and said, "Oh, is it just you?" Then he said he would put our son to bed tonight and he kicked, spit and yelled for me the entire time. The kids prefer me over him but I have been their primary caregiver the second they have been born. It's only natural for them to want me. Now that he wants to be involved, they aren't comfortable with that.

He got really upset about it all. He started vented and I tried to help him by giving him suggestions but he didn't want to hear them. So I said, "Well, what is the point of sitting here venting if you don't ever want to stop the problem you are having with them?" "If you want to have a better relationship with them,  you have to start being a part of their life." He of course wanted to make excuses for his actions in the past but I wouldn't allow it. You can't excuse they way he was before. All you can do now is treat them  the way he should have always treated them ....just like he is treating me now.

I made the suggestion that every night I would cut out of the house, take a walk, go get some coffee or something like that so he can put our son to bed and spend some time with our daughter. That will be the quality time he should have with them and get them more comfortable with him putting them  to bed. AND BONUS...me some time alone.

I am glad that he is actually going to take steps to change it now... and it bothers him enough to make a change because before....he just didn't care enough...he would just distance himself even more...so much that it lead him to an affair.

Some of the things he said to me during his venting was:

"You don't understand how it is to be away from the kids for months at a time..."

"You don't understand what it's like for them to never want you"

"You don't understand how it feels to have them ignore you"

As you can see, there is a theme here. The reasons why he feels this way is because the times he was away, the kids didn't have him around...they only had me. He never would ask to speak to them when he would call...and he doesn't now no matter how much I tell him that he should at least say hello to them. And when he used to come home after long deployments? He would be so distant.....he would just sit on the couch and wouldn't play with them or involve himself with us. So it was like we were by ourselves....yes, this was way before the affair. He basically couldn't deal with the pain of being away from us so he just cut himself emotionally from us so he wouldn't have to feel the pain. ... I said to him (as much as it hurt him)

"Your pain is paining them....."

So true....all around....

Friday, August 26, 2011

The Good News and The Bad News

The slut mobile is gone....and I lost my job.

Yes, we sold the truck last night. The one that my cheater would drive his slut around in during their little get togethers. I was not sad to see it go. BYE BYE SLUT MOBILE.  I never did sit in the passenger seat again after I knew she had sat on it. Glad to know I will never have to either. Another trigger out of my life...YAY.

In other news, I lost my job last Friday. Yep, just like that. I'm actively seeking other employment now. But I can't help but think what if I was divorced right now? Of course, I am going to apply for unemployment, and maybe I would be okay financially? I am not sure..... but it scares me....and makes me sad to think that I still don't trust my cheater to think that it could be tomorrow that he decides he doesn't want to be with me again.

Then you have the whole situation of how life is really teaching me a hard lesson...I may have something today but that doesn't mean it will be here tomorrow. Something you have could be taken from you just like that. I loved my job...of course, finally I love my job and for the first time in my life I get laid off because of the company's lack of funds to pay us (almost everyone was let go...). <sigh>

But how does this relate to infidelity you may wonder? Well, besides the fact that I relate to the possibility that I could be dealing with this as a single divorced woman. My husband has been trying his best and doing a good job being supportive to me. He even saw the shrink to find out how to best help me in this bad time. Kudos to him.... I knew there was a reason I came and stayed and why I love him... I just knew there was a reason....

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Dissociation from the Affair

I discovered that after the emotional upheaval of the D-Day anniversary, I am now dissociated from the affair. I don't feel emotionally connected to it. Whenever I try to get emotionally connected, I feel myself pull away.

My shrink explained that this is a time to process the events of the affairs (before, during and after) without the effects of emotions coming into play. It's an important part of my recovery. It's when I will be able to make some hard decisions for myself on how I will proceed.

 I came up with some interesting revelations in that session:

  • In many ways, I don't forgive myself for allowing my husband to treat me and the kids the way he did for so long, especially during the affair.
  • I often rely too much on making sure everyone else is happy and don't make sure I am happy, so what happens is that all of a sudden I am in a hole of unhappiness. 
  • I don't know if I ever will be  able to forgive my husband and I learned that forgiveness doesn't lie with him. He can't do anything to make me forgive him....forgiveness comes within my healing. However, I don't know how to get to that point.
Therapy sure is helping me.... I just wish my husband would make it a priority as much as I have been making it mine.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Real Housewives of New York - Ramona Singer

The episode when Ramona is sitting with the fortune teller in Morocco and she tells her that she sees another woman in Mario's life, I knew was taking a turn towards the cheating path. Because you know, all shows these days have to have a splash of infidelity in there somewhere. Shoot, all relationships these days have to have some of it it seems.

But, when Ramona tells Mario what the fortune teller said, the truth was written all over his face. He is most definitely cheating on her. You could tell he was trying really hard to make his voice sound as truthful as possible. It was strained.

Then at the reunion show when Jill said that there is talk among the social circle that he has been cheating on her...well, that's the hook and sinker right there. People don't go around talking unless it's true.

My heart goes out to Ramona...I'm sorry girl - we're in a club no one ever wants to be in. Hoping the best for you - whatever that is...

Monday, August 15, 2011

God Speaks to Me Again - My Husband the Canaanite Woman

Before I start this post - just wanted to add something to my last post - other signs that my husband overlooked - his slut is from the same place (up north) where I spent the first 7 years of my life, which is rare since they met or we lived (down south). Wouldn't you think he would be like "Hey, my wife is from there." But no, that's not a sign of anything...idiot.

Or here's another sign. Her middle name is the same name as his ex-fiance who rescheduled their wedding three times and then broke up with him over the phone. Wouldn't you think, "Wow that gives me a bad feeling ... I don't like that name" Again...what an idiot.

Anyway, now for today's post.

My faith has always been strong but it's never been as strong as it is now. Whenever I go to mass, I always here a message being sent to me from the readings and liturgy. It's as if God is really trying to help me through all of this mess the best way that I need to be helped.

This past Sunday, we heard this story:

Matthew 15:21-28

New International Version (NIV)
The Faith of a Canaanite Woman
 21 Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. 22 A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is demon-possessed and suffering terribly.”  23 Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.”
 24 He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”
 25 The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, help me!” she said.
 26 He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.”
 27 “Yes it is, Lord,” she said. “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”
 28 Then Jesus said to her, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed at that moment.

 Now, you may wonder how in the world does this have anything to do with my situation. Let's think of the Canaanite woman as my cheating husband. While she hasn't done anything necessarily bad, she is scorned and looked badly upon by others, just like my husband does (notice how Jesus' friends are saying "Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.") just like society would say "Don't stay with a cheater! Ditch that selfish pig!".

Jesus tries to ignore her because she isn't the most desirable person around... he wants to turn away but he just can't and knows that he shouldn't. He knows deep down inside that he isn't that kind of person. So when she begs and begs...and begs (much like my husband who has begged and begged and begged for me to stay and for my forgiveness or at least a second chance) ....he grants her the wish she desires (and so did I for my husband).

How powerful is that? What does this show me? That God knows what I have gone through, he knows my pain and he knows what is inside me. He knows me as well as he knows Jesus. I gave in to my cheating husband as Jesus gave in to the Canaanite - because we knew it was the right thing to do because they had faith and determination. No matter how much we told them to get away from us, no matter how horribly we treated them because we were disgusted with them (Jesus calling the Canaanite woman a dog and me calling my husband ...well, just about everything), they didn't turn away, they accepted the attacks and they continued to come back and beg for our acceptance.

If that's not a strong strong belief in us, I don't know what is... if my husband didn't truly feel as though he needed/wanted me, he wouldn't have fought to keep me the way he did. If he didn't love me, he wouldn't fight to prove to me that he loves me. Does this mean that I don't have ill feelings towards him? No. Does this mean that I am cured? No. It means that I am starting to realize that I have been hurt and God knows I have been and he is by my side helping me see that even though I have been pained, I am doing what I have to do to recover.

He showed me the actions of a great man like Jesus and how my actions reflected his... what more of a message could I have asked for?

Friday, August 12, 2011

Signs from God

The whole time my husband was cheating on me, I was given signs from God. Even the first day that he crossed the line with her (not sex but just flirting, I knew something was in the air, I just didn't know what). Anyway, after church Sunday my cheater said, "I wish God had sent me signs when I was going down the wrong path..." All I could say is, "He did, you just weren't listening." And he just didn't get it. It wasn't until I pointed the signs out that he started to see that he completed missed them just like the man who drowned in the storm. Do you know that story?

One night, there was a terrible storm. Flooding was scheduled for the town. A man was in his home and his neighbor came by to ask if he wanted a ride to the nearby shelter. The man said that he was staying home because God would save him. The flood waters started to rise and flood out his first floor so he climbed to the second floor. Another neighbor came by in a boat and asked if he would like a boat ride to safety, and the man said that he was safe already because God would save him. As the water rose, he walked up to the roof. This time, a pilot in a helicopter flew by and told him to hop in, but the man declined again saying that God would save him. The man's house was washed away and he drowned. When he reached the Heavenly Gates and approached God, he asked, "Why did you save me?" God said this to him, "I tried! I sent three people to save you and you turned them all away!"

My husband likes this story and I told him that this story is a lot like his. Right after he left for his deployment, I begged on the phone for him to come home because I knew he was not fit for being away from family. However, he declined and said that he had a job to do and he intended on doing it. I also advised him that it was not a good idea to hang out with the crowd he started to hang out with many times, but he was adamant that he needed to because they were the only ones who would go out and drink (which is what he wanted to do for stress relief). Now, you may just think I was being a nagging wife but I wasn't commanding, I feel that God was speaking through me. The only way to get the message across since my husband was only speaking with me.

But if you aren't convinced? Want to know a sure sign? When he made the email to correspond with her and send all those nasty email messages and photos? Guess what the email service automatically generated for the number? 2830...

28 - the day of our wedding in June
30 - the day of his birthday in June

Now, when you make an email account and have to put that in repeatedly - wouldn't something click after awhile? It didn't take me long....

God doesn't come right out and says, "HEY STUPID...STOP BEING AN IDIOT." No, he is going to point things out and have you come to the conclusion yourself. If you can't do that, then that's on you. If you know the signs to look for and follow them, then you are in tune with God. I think it takes a conscious effort to realize God is helping you. You have to look around you and do what your faith in God tells you to do. The rest will fall in place. If you don't, the rest will fall out of place.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Why did you stay?

Lately, I've been wondering what the exact reason is that I decided to stay with my cheating husband. Of course, I know I love him but is that enough? Is it a combination of love, attachment, and family? I don't know....or I am just confused. Maybe it is that but it doesn't make much sense after everything he did to me and the kids. I mean any other person would think I am crazy...I would think I am crazy if I weren't actually doing it....if that makes sense.

So I want to know why you decided to stay and work on it?

Monday, August 8, 2011

Numb Beats Pain Any Day

I'm ringing in the second year of affair healing feeling numb. I.don't know if it's just exhaustion from the trauma of the memories, lack of sleep or a combination of both. All I know is that feeling nothing is much better than feeling the agony I felt this weekend.

Hope It Was Worth It

From: FunnyPart.com

Girlfriend Takes Flight

"Don't let your wife find out where your girlfriend lives, or borrow your truck."
From: Ebaum's World

Only Consequence Is What We Do

"What we think or what we know
or what we believe is, in the
end, of little consequence.
The only consequence is what we do"
- John Ruskin

Mourning the End of Our Marriage: First Anniversary

I broke down a few times today thinking about where I was at this time last year, where he was this time last year and everything that lead to my life falling apart. As I was so depressed that I could hardly bare to think about it anymore, I decided to join my husband when he announced he had to go to bed.

As I laid there, I couldn't help but wonder why exactly I am so devastated. I questioned why it was that my husband could go through the day as if it meant nothing to him, while I struggled to keep it together. He told me that I have no idea how it is for him... which in my husband's words is "I don't want to tell you that I don't think about it so I will tell you this because it's not really lying this way."

I tried to ignore my resentment towards this and started to analyze my thoughts and feelings. Then, I realized what really bothers me is that this day marked the end of my marriage. This night was the night I took my wedding rings off for the first time and have never put them back on since. This is the night that I lost my faith in marriage.

As I explained this to him, he immediately told me that this wasn't how he felt. I had to remind him that it's fine he doesn't feel this way, but it's how I feel and that's why I am so devastated. See, it devastates him too so instead of dealing with it, he just refuses to accept it. He runs away from anything...ANYTHING....that causes him pain.

As for me...I run  to pain and embrace it...I let it seep into me until it just doesn't hurt anymore - until I am numb. Tonight, I truly embraced the loss of my marriage. I explained what marriage meant to me...I thought when I married someone that I was going to be with that person forever. That we would have kids, be a family and deal with any of life's horrible situations together so that someday we would look back and think about all the wonderful things that we shared as well as all of the things that we had to deal with.

Now, of course, you could argue that the affair is one of life's horrible situations. But no, not for me...see what I mean are things that happen TO us not what one of us does to the other. This was an attack from the one person who was supposed to be by my side forever. This is the person who committed to me but then decided to uncommitt to be with someone else. When his grandfather was dying - it wasn't US getting through it - it was him and her getting through it. It was him saying, our committment to each other, our vows, our life together isn't important to me now...Our marriage ended with that.

As I face another year after the affair, I wonder what it will be like. I wonder how my views on life, marriage and the future will change. What will I say next year on the second anniversary? How will I feel? Only time will tell....

Sunday, August 7, 2011

D-Day Anniversey

Well, here I am...one year later. At this time last year, I was on the road driving - starting the 14 hour drive to "surprise" my husband. I remember thinking that I wasn't really sure if I was going to catch him doing anything but I wanted to prove to myself if whatever I was suspecting was true. I remember a part of me said, "Are you ready for what you might find?" and I answered, "Yep, I'm ready..."

Today will be a hard hard day. I cried last night for a good hour and my husband hugged me and we both shared some tears this morning. I am processing things subconsciously because I can only deal with so much consciously. That's why I start crying and I am not really sure exactly what brings it on.

All I can say... this really hurt me and I think it's more than I really realize.

Infidelity in Cedar Rapids

So I wanted to see the movie Cedar Rapids because it seemed as though it would be a funny flick. Well, it was funny, up until one of the characters, who is married basically cheats on her husband. Oh, you know the deal, they look lovingly into each other's eyes, make out and then hop into bed with each other. They then think the sex was spectacular and oh how great life is....

OH whatever. Thanks for showing a movie of the affair my husband was in... I can hardly watch anything anymore without some sort of great love affair story. Because yeah, that's what I want to see ... two people who are committed to other people think they are in love with each and break their vows for one another. Yep, love that....ugh.

Of course, we turned off the movie as soon as the sin had been committed. Now, all I am left with is the haunting feeling of what the affair my husband was in was like. Super.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

I Shocked the Counselor

After we got back from Virginia, I had an individual appointment with our marriage/individual counselor. Good thing too because in two days is the anniversary of D-Day.

I talked through tears about all of the abuse my husband put me through. I told him how he would send me and the kids away so he could go off with his slut for the weekend. How he would say horrible things to me and the kids. Yell at us, make us feel like the worst people in the world and just be plain cruel. The specific events that I told my counselor were shocking to him....

I just kept asking him "Who does that?' "What kind of person does all these cruel things to someone and then says that he loves the person?" He had no answers for me. He just reflected my questions back to me... good old counseling trick. I just kept saying, I don't know....

I then said, "Why am I here?" Now, a year later when I reflect on all of the crap he put me and the kids through, I cannot believe I am still standing here, next to him, saying that I love him...and not only saying it but feeling it. What is wrong with me?

The counselor again asked me, "Why am I here...." He made sure to say that it wasn't that he was questioning me, it was more of asking for the reason of why I am here.......I had no answers.

I cried for the whole session...at the end, he couldn't believe the same man that sat in the seat next to me was the one who did all these things to me and the kids. He couldn't believe the nightmare I went through last summer. Not only did he cheat on me, but he emotional abused me and the kids right in the middle of a major move from one state to another with no place to live ...for months.

No one should have ever been treated like that.... I still can't believe I was treated that way - I can't believe I made it out of it too ... I wouldn't have ever thought I would have...

Friday, August 5, 2011

I told a wife her husband is cheating on her...

After renewing our friendship, my best friend told me about someone we both know who is having an affair with a married man. This person has been telling everyone about her escapades and some have told her how offensive her bragging is ...

As a victim of infidelity, my heart dropped for the wife of the man she is sleeping with...what is wrong with people?

So I came home from the trip and messaged the man's wife to tell her that her husband is having an affair and the person she is having it with.

Why? Because I feel it is my obligation now. I wish someone would have done the same for me... because then I wouldn't have gone through so many months of sheer hell.

The Power of I Forgive You...

Last week, we were in Virginia because my husband had training. Virginia is where my best friend lives (the one that wrote me that horrible letter a few months back that I posted - My Best Friend Turns Against Me). I decided to text her to meet for dinner because I kept thinking about it and since I was thinking about it, I figured it must mean something. 

I tried to act like nothing ever happened but she wouldn’t allow it. After we had dinner with both of our families, she asked if we could have lunch. Lunch started out the same way (acting as if nothing happened) but I kept getting this vibe from her. So finally I said, “Okay let’s do this” She said, “THANK YOU!”

We then discussed the letter…and of course, she has her side and I have mine. I could tell that she was really broken hearted by how she hurt me. It really touched my heart when she said that she has lost many people in her life through death and other ways but she has never cried as much as she has cried for me. I could tell she was genuine and she admitted that should have never sent the letter and she should have thought of me and my state of mind when she said what she said. 

After hearing her, I could feel myself release something…all of a sudden I said, “I forgive you…” And followed with, “I forgive you in my own definition of forgiveness. People tell me forgiveness is about accepting what happened and moving on even if you do hold on to what happened. But in my definition, forgiveness is forgetting what happened and not having any sort of hard feelings from it. It’s as if it never happened.” 

The surge I felt when I said those three words was amazing. I forgive you… powerful stuff.

As I left our lunch, I contemplated that feeling and then wondered if I could ever feel that way about my husband. Could I ever truly forgive him for what he did…. I just can’t see how. Many people believe I have forgiven him because I came back to him and we are working it out….but really, in my definition, I don’t think I ever will….