Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Why did you stay?

Lately, I've been wondering what the exact reason is that I decided to stay with my cheating husband. Of course, I know I love him but is that enough? Is it a combination of love, attachment, and family? I don't know....or I am just confused. Maybe it is that but it doesn't make much sense after everything he did to me and the kids. I mean any other person would think I am crazy...I would think I am crazy if I weren't actually doing it....if that makes sense.

So I want to know why you decided to stay and work on it?

9 comments:

  1. I think a lot of women stay because they don't want some slut with no morals to wreck everything they have built. Or some stay because they want to eventually turn the mess into something positive. Make the marriage better than it was before.

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  2. I am staying (for now, we are more in a "lets see how this goes" sort of thing, moving back into together in a few weeks) for a few reasons. 1) I need to know if the person I fell in love with 10 years ago still exists, or ever existed. If that person was just a farce, then there's nothing to stay for, but if he is or was there, I fell in love with him for a reason so I figure I might at least try to see if I can live with him. 2) I believe God CAN change him. That God can fix him. Whether or not that is what God is doing, I dont know for sure yet. But I do believe God CAN DO IT. So, if God IS doing it, then I guess I feel like I should be open to that.

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  3. the other party would change in the name of God/false hope. It is true that God's hands are never too short to change any persons. However how often it is truer that the betrayed spouse must also change as well. When a marriage is in trouble, very seldom it is only one-sided issue. People love to live in false hope and pretenses and facade without realizing life is slipping through....

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  4. Most betrayed spouse stay due to the fear factors. Fear of change, fear of unknown and fear of being alone. Also the financial insecurity of it. I seriously doubt people stay b/c of LOVE alone. They simply wish the other party would change in the name of God/false hope. It is true that God's hands are never too short to change any persons. However how often it is truer that the betrayed spouse must also change as well. When a marriage is in trouble, very seldom it is only one-sided issue. People love to live in false hope and pretenses and facade without realizing life is slipping through....

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  5. @Alice I agree with you.... Therapists thrive on telling couples that affairs can make marriages so much better and I can see how that might happen. I also agree that some people won't allow the slut of the situation to get the satisfaction...I can't say I feel that way, because she really doesn't matter to me ... Thanks for responding!

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  6. @All Anonymous'

    Giving the cheater a chance to redeem himself is definitely a reason to go back. I know that is one of my reasons. I mean we wouldn't keep staying if we came back into the same situation, right? I sure hope so... I often second guess myself because I can't believe I came back in the first place.

    I believe God can help people, as long as people allow him to help.

    I also think that yes, it's often not only one person at fault. That both people have to work together to correct the flaws of the marriage. However, we need to make sure to remember, there is NEVER a reason to cheat on anyone. We can say that the betrayed spouse contributed marital problems, but we can't say that those problems were valid reasons for someone to cheat. Cheating is wrong no matter what happens in a marriage...just like domestic violence. If the cheater had issues with the marriage, it was his/her responsibility to bring those up and work on them. If he/she did not want to work on them or the other spouse didn't want to work on them, then the couple should divorce before someone goes off with someone else.

    And the fear factor - yep, I have to say so...I think that's what I mean by attachment. After you've been with someone so long, it's hard to see life without him.... it's frightening.

    Thanks for all the comments!!!

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  7. In one of our painful discussion about my husband adultery, in tears he asked me. "If you can not see that I changed, and love you. If you can not trust me. Why do you want me to stay?" My reply was long, but the essence of what I think and said it is: Because when I met you, fell in love with you and married you, I had a plan for our lives together. I was going to love you and make you happy. So we would be happy. When I decided to have children with you, I saw us in the future, being happy, looking after them, and we know we were. I had a plan that when the children left home, we would have more money to spend on ourselves, and fulfill some of our dreams and passions that we had put in hold, for the time we were looking after our other dream, our great, wonderful family! I know they were your plan to, because we were so happy and shared everything. You forgot your dream, and through your actions you killed mine. I never thought that adultery would be part of our life. I want you here because before I am sure that our dreams are completely dead or unobtainable, I want to try to recover it. I dont want to look back when I am very old and regret that I did not give it us chance. If we can achieve what we are striving for, in old age we will kiss each other and thank ourselves for persevering. If not, we will thank ourselves for having tried. One coward is enough in this relationship. I want you to stay because I need to know if the wonderful person I fell in love with is still there, inside that skin, that for a while was so selfish. I want you to stay because I need to know that you are telling me the truth, that you realize how much you hurt me, our children and US.

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  8. I stayed because God got a hold of ME and told me he wasn't done with us yet. I didn't want to hear it and went on a rampage until my husband moved out and then I had no choice but to listen. God softened my heart and gave me sign after sign and scripture after scripture He was bringing my husband home to Him and then home to me. I stay because I am in a covenant with my husband, because God said he will restore what the locusts tried to eat and give me back double what I lost, because I love my husband and our family and because I knew that wasn't my husband. Never was. He was trapped in sin. We have a work to do but God says in the Bible he will work to bring all things together for our good. This adultery was never apart of His plan but He can bring good out of it. I'm faithful to that and obedient as well.

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  9. Thank you I needed this

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