I discovered that after the emotional upheaval of the D-Day anniversary, I am now dissociated from the affair. I don't feel emotionally connected to it. Whenever I try to get emotionally connected, I feel myself pull away.
My shrink explained that this is a time to process the events of the affairs (before, during and after) without the effects of emotions coming into play. It's an important part of my recovery. It's when I will be able to make some hard decisions for myself on how I will proceed.
I came up with some interesting revelations in that session:
- In many ways, I don't forgive myself for allowing my husband to treat me and the kids the way he did for so long, especially during the affair.
- I often rely too much on making sure everyone else is happy and don't make sure I am happy, so what happens is that all of a sudden I am in a hole of unhappiness.
- I don't know if I ever will be able to forgive my husband and I learned that forgiveness doesn't lie with him. He can't do anything to make me forgive him....forgiveness comes within my healing. However, I don't know how to get to that point.