|Photographer: Francesco Marino|
I wasn't able to sleep last night again (second night in a row). All I do when I am asleep is dream about them together and when I wake up, I am stricken with grief. I understand that whole perception that if he's with me, he really wants to be with me, but I can't let go of the fact that he did choose her over me at one time. At a time, when I really should have been the one he turned to when he was so low. I feel like I failed and I couldn't be what he needed me to be...
He says that there was nothing I could do. He had to be gone from me and the kids during the worst time in his life and nothing I could have done would have made it better. He says that he should have listened to me when I pleaded that he make a plea to stay behind when that ship took off for those three months...should of, would of, could of....what happened, happened and now we are stuck in the aftermath of it all.
I also know I shouldn't let myself feel like a victim, but I can't help it when all I can think about is how my marriage wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to take this hard of hit. Of course marriages go through bad times, I just didn't think I would have been fine one minute and at the door of divorce the next. It scares me... my life could be completely different right now, if I hadn't come back to him.
Another thought goes through my mind...what if he cheats on me again? What if he really isn't done with her? What if he's just gotten smarter? I know...don't "what if". I am so scared though...I'm scared that tomorrow may be the end of my marriage.