Sunday, November 21, 2010

He Doesn't Deserve This LIfe

As Thanksgiving draws near, I am struggling with some thoughts that have really made me depressed. I remember after finding out that my husband cheated and I was getting ready to hand over the check to the lawyer for the separation how soon I would be dealing with either Thanksgiving or Christmas without my kids. This devastated me...more than finding out my husband was with some other girl.

Now, I sit and  think about my decision not to divorce him and making this marriage work. I am conflicted with sadness and rage. A part of me is sad that this almost didn't happen, while the other side of me is angry because after what he did, he just doesn't deserve to be with a loving family during the holiday. He not only betrayed me but he betrayed our children, so why is he so lucky to have us around now?

I feel like he should have been punished more for his infidelity. He should have experienced what his consequences could have been because unlike me, I don't think he fully understands what could have been. He wasn't the one looking for a divorce...it was me. I was the one who had the ball and decided what to do with it. That scares me, because I could have made a different choice, which would have changed the course of our life forever.

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