Monday, November 22, 2010

Dealing with 'What Could Have Been'

I talked about this a little in my last post about how my husband doesn't deserve being with me and the kids but I guess I just have to write about it again because I am really not doing well right now.

As I sit here and think about Thanksgiving, I can't get the visions of that night in the hotel after I discovered the truth of my husband's infidelity. My kids in the king size bed as I paced thinking about how we would have to share the kids on holidays and weekends etc. etc. How Thanksgiving would come too quick and wondered if it would be my first one alone without the kids or if it would Christmas.

Now I sit here with my family, who used to be picture perfect and I feel like it's all fake. We're going to have the traditional Thanksgiving dinner and the kids are all excited. However, it's like a black cloud is sitting over us that won't leave me alone. I can't shake the feeling that maybe this shouldn't be this way. Maybe I was weak and should have gone through with the separation...after all, he cheated on me for EIGHT months.

I picture myself in an apartment with the kids like I did a lot after I found out. I don't see it as so bad but I don't see it better than where I am now. I'm so conflicted. I know this is better in the end if we can repair the damage in our marriage but really...this is all so hard. I feel trapped...dealing with infidelity sucks and divorce sucks too. I'm so... sad...mad...confused.

2 comments:

  1. Aww honey, I'm sorry :( Holidays are always really hard for anyone who has experienced a loss, which you totally did. You lost trust in your husband and faith in your marriage. I think you should try to think of it like that, like a death and this is the first holiday after that death. Life will never be the same as it was with your loved one (marriage) but maybe it can still be good again. We must talk about the stages of grieving and how you shouldn't rush yourself. <3 Birdie

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  2. {{HUGS}} Thank you Birdie. I can always count on you to help me breathe a little. :) I agree with your theory.

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